Where Logic Meets Love

It Never Ends...

Thursday, April 21, 2011

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It Never Ends... | Faith Permeating Life
I think I have to acknowledge that I'm not totally over mono.

I very much wanted to believe that after about 7 months, my strength was back permanently. I was in the office again five days a week, I wasn't getting sick all the time, and I could get through the week without totally collapsing. But truthfully there have still been days (once in a great while) when I come home too exhausted to walk, and despite getting 8-9 hours of sleep every night this week, I'm still bone tired. There isn't anything particularly stressful going on, but every work day is starting to feel like a burden.

What really hit home for me was when I had my performance review this week, and I started trying to remember when the last time was that I really challenged myself, that I really got excited about ideas I had for extra projects I could do or unique analyses I could look into. All of the projects I could think of were from a year ago, right before I got sick. I don't want to believe I've changed that fundamentally as a person, that I'm just no long interested in trailblazing and being curious. And so I've realized that I'm not back to normal yet.

This is tough for me, because it's hard enough to admit to myself when I'm sick, and I have to ask myself, "Do you feel the way you normally do?" to get me to acknowledge that I'm sick. But when "normal" is some fuzzy memory of what I felt like over a year ago, it's even harder to acknowledge that something's wrong.

So. What to do?

I don't know. Take a few days off work and use up even more sick days? Cancel everything on my schedule outside of work, even when I'm trying to be more social, see more people, strengthen my friendships? I'm already getting as much sleep as I possibly can and sleeping even more on the weekends. I want to believe this will fix itself with time... but maybe I've been making things worse all this time?

Sometimes it seems as if getting healthy and having a life are at odds with each other.

Update: Mike got the job he interviewed for today. He's going to be a server at a restaurant much closer to where we live. Yay! I'm so proud of him.

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