Two very important notes:
- This post is not intended as a judgment on anybody. If you are not married and you have had sex, I am not casting judgment on you. This post is intended as a response to people who judge me for choosing to wait until I was married to have sex.
- The usual disclaimer that if you don't want to read about sex, you don't want to think about me having sex, or you are my mother, you should skip this one.
So you can imagine, if people who had kissed before marriage felt somehow threatened by us, how much more threatened people who had had sex before marriage felt.
And when people feel threatened or judged, they start coming up not only with reasons why what they're doing is OK, but with reasons why what you're doing is actually a bad idea.
The number one reason I've heard for why you shouldn't wait until marriage to have sex is: What if the sex is really bad? What if you're just not a good match sexually?
I find this argument rather stupid for a number of reasons, but let me use an example from a book I read recently to explain why I disagree with the premise of these questions.
In my quest to read funny books this month, I have ended up with a few recommended books that ended up not only not being that funny but actually being kind of sad. (This may be because I'm overly sensitive.) In Milkrun by Sarah Mlynowski, the main character tries desperately for the entire book to find a boyfriend and basically puts her whole self-worth into whether or not she can find a good guy to date. (Not surprisingly, this was the inspiration for my previous post.)
She eventually ends up with Tim, who is sweet, cute, nice, loving, etc., everything she's looking for, and then she finally gets him to have sex with her. And it's terrible. He ejaculates the moment he enters, then immediately cuddles up with her, seeing no problem with the situation. She's appalled. She doesn't know what to do. She consults with her best friends. She has sex with him again with the same result. She decides she has no choice but to dump him, since "Life's too short for bad sex."
The joke, I guess, is supposed to be that he says he's had sex with thirteen women, and she can't imagine how none of them told him that he was bad at sex.
And yet, she doesn't either.
Saying you should have sex before marriage because "what if the sex is terrible" is operating on the premise that the Tims of the world are just hopeless cases who will never end up marrying anyone unless it's some poor girl who waits until she's locked into holy matrimony to discover his lack of sexual ability.
When Mike and I got married, we didn't know what the hell we were doing. We didn't even know how to kiss. It took a couple of days until he learned to keep his mouth closed and stop slobbering on me. And that was fine. I wasn't horrified or immediately regretting that I'd married him. (Although I did ask my matron of honor, "Is this how kissing is supposed to be? Is it always this wet?") I won't get into the sexual details, but that took quite a while as well. And we're still learning.
Here's the key, though: We have trust. We have open communication. We are not afraid to talk about sex, and not afraid to ask for what we need from each other.
And because we're married, we recognize that we're in this for the long haul. We know we have to put some effort into it. We're not trying to build the best marriage by continually searching for the ideal partner. We're building the best marriage out of what we've got -- the two of us, flaws and all.