It's the end of May, which means it's time for another Blog Comment Carnival! I share my favorite comments of the month, and then you post the best comments you got on your own blog and link up below.
I say it every month, but I seriously have the best readers. You all are so insightful, challenging, thoughtful, encouraging, and just plain awesome!
At the beginning of May I posted A Request: Please Don't Read the Menu to Me, which struck a chord with several people.
I feel this is a common reaction to *any* trait distinguishing you from others and with which they have little/no experience or understanding. People don't get it, but since they like you they want to show somehow that they care or at least notice your "condition" (or unconsciously compensate for their lack of understanding).
I've experienced similar accommodations (or condescensions, depending on your viewpoint) as an Asian among Caucasians, a feminist among traditionalists, a Christian among non-. However, this usually doesn't result in an actual conversation to increase mutual understanding, which annoys me more than the pointing out of the difference. I think what your PSA comes down to is to try to make no assumptions at all about a person, and talk or get to know them where they're at.
I am sooooooooooooooo guilty of this. And I KNOW it's annoying, and I just. can't. stop.
My sister is a vegan, my best friend is a pescatarian, my SIL is lactose intolerant, and I'm allergic to shellfish.
People do this to me when we go to Red Lobster, which happens a lot since it's my hubby's favorite restaurant. And I feel the same way you do, and I KNOW that grown ups don't need my help making decisions.
Heck, if you wanted to eat a giant bowl of ice cream and make yourself miserable, that's YOUR PREROGATIVE! And I shouldn't stop you!
This is one really long comment to tell you that you are not alone, I agree with you, and on behalf of all butt-in-skees out there, I am sorry.
There were a ton of comments on the post Everyone Feels Selfish: Judgment in Parenthood:
I've always wanted to adopt. I don't know why, but I just remember being a kid and it popped into my head and it stuck. Then as I get older and the more and more I think about it, the more it JUST MAKES SENSE for my life. What's crazy is that even as a kid I've gotten grief for it. One of my big reasons is that I feel as though I couldn't physically handle pregnancy. My doctors already warn me about gaining weight because if I gain too much that will be too much pressure on my fraigle bones and back. Um... pregnancy would probably make me break several bones and/or I would have to be on bed rest for FOREVER. No thanks. When I told this to one friend who had a baby she was all "But Emily it's so worth it in the end." Maybe. But God bless the man who would have to put up with me on bed rest. I would be COMPLETELY miserable. Selfish? Maybe. But oh well. I also have realized that if I have a child there is a 50/50 chance they also will have brittle bones. I remember all of the PHYSICAL things my parents had to do to take care of me as a kid. Carrying me up and down stairs. Carrying me around and letting me lay on their stomach while I was in body casts. Um... I can't do that. I wouldn't be able to take care of a child who also had brittle bones. Yes, whoever my husband is would help of course. But is it fair to him to have to do everything. Nope.
Sometimes I feel selfish about it. But as you said, no matter what you do SOMEONE is going to judge you. You can't base choices off of what other people say all of the time. You have to do what works best for you and your family.
Vonae Deyshawn said:
I completely agree with this! I first time I became pregnant, I was less than excited. None of my friends were pregnant and I just felt like I would be the only one toting a kid here and there. During that time, I experienced a miscarriage and became absolutely devastated. I felt selfish for not being excited for the baby when so many women can't even get pregnant. When I became pregnant again three months later, I was ecstatic and terrified. Would I actually be able to carry the baby? After I reached the 7 month mark, I felt selfish again when I saw the scale creep to an outrageous number. I had never seen it go that high before and boy was it depressing when I couldn't fit into my clothes. Now I'm 37 weeks and I can't wait to do it again. I think there will always be selfish moments but it may just be apart of life change. : ) Thanks for this post!
I have three kids right now, and I honestly yearn for more. Whether that happens biologically or through adoption has yet to be seen, though either way is perfectly fine by me.
I absolutely can attest to the fact that people judge BIG TIME when you have 3+ kids. I have had complete strangers ORDER me to never have more children (and not jokingly). Many people assume that the third was an "accident" (which, by the way, what a horrible way to refer to your child: "you were unwanted, but you're here now... so...")
But as far as me personally, I don't feel guilt or shame around our choices. My husband and I know what we want, what the Lord wants for us and what we can handle. The other opinions are worthless in this conversation.
And Mollie summed up:
Reading the comments, it can be said: people know themselves and what works for them. We (myself included!) need to get better at trusting everyone else to make the decisions best for them.
Defining the "Sex" in Same-Sex Anything was one of my most shared and "Liked" posts of all time.
Charcoal Renderings said:
I'm so glad you posted this video! I posted it yesterday on my facebook as well, I absolutely love John and Hank. Hank did a video before John's also tackling this debate.
I love this post because you are exactly right--so many people thinks it's a solid line when really it's a spectrum of gray. And I just wonder, how gray does it have to get before we will understand that the whole world, and all people, are so completely complex? It's never just that simple to define someone. And while your body is certainly a part of who you are, your mind is what concerns me more than anything. Otherwise, every physically disabled person in the world, regardless of mental capacity, would be considered "less than a person" because they would have essential body parts missing. Are you less human if you are missing an arm? A leg? Both legs? If a male soldier was wounded in war and lost part of his genitalia, would that take away his "male" status? What about the women in other war-torn countries that are subjected to genital mutilation? Do they become less "woman" because this happened to them and took away parts of their bodies? Defining sex by your skin and flesh just doesn't quite make sense. It's all about attraction to me. And I don't think God would disagree.
Finally, a special shout-out to Queen of Carrots, who challenged me to define and explain a bunch of my beliefs in this post and the comments on it.