Starting from Scratch
Friday, February 15, 2013Tweet
An interesting thing happens when you set up a clear vision for your life. You suddenly have an image against which to compare your current life. Like a Spot the Difference picture, the things that are wrong inevitably begin to jump out at you.
In my own Spot the Difference picture, there was one glaring blemish separating the two pictures, my life-as-it-is from my life-as-it-should-be. And that was my job.
I mentioned that the reason I'd chosen "Peace" as my word of the year initially was because of the anxiety, anger, and dread caused by my job being very, very different from what I thought it was going to be. But suddenly it wasn't just a small problem to be dealt with, but The Thing standing between me and peace. As I started looking for other jobs, it became clear just what a beating my self-esteem had taken in this job when I was having trouble coming up with good things to say about myself for my applications.
So yesterday, I quit. Just like that. Today's my last day of work.
Is it worth going into why? I try to avoid discussing work on here unless it's positive, thus the vast absence of references to my work in the past few months. But I know people are going to want answers, especially when I made this out to be OMG the best job ever and then didn't talk about it for months.
The short answer is that I was given very little work to do, and the work that I did do, most of the time one of my bosses would partially or completely redo it, either out of a need for control or the apparent ego boost of telling me all the ways my work was inferior. Not only was my work unappreciated (when it was acknowledged at all), but it was not even clear what purpose I served being there, if they had nothing for me to do and were just going to redo what I did anyway.
And as much as I tried to tell myself to be grateful for having a job and a paycheck at all, I couldn't deny that 1) I'd taken a pay cut to take this job because I thought it would be so great, and I knew I could find something better and better-paying, 2) all my happiness and self-esteem were being sucked away by this job, and 3) I wasn't able to do a lot of things I wanted to because most of my time was spent commuting, working, or sleeping. As I said in my love vs. money post, what's most important to me is how I spend my time, and I don't want to spend the vast majority of my time doing something I don't enjoy.
So I'm starting from scratch and asking myself what things I want to make room for in my life.
Sleep. Exercise. Prayer. Time with Mike. Choir.
These are what nourish me. And so I need to find a job that fits around these. Maybe something on campus, if I'm lucky. Maybe a telecommuting job. Maybe a part-time job. Something that doesn't require me to be gone 12 hours a day, 5 days a week. Even something I love doesn't necessarily deserve that much of my life.
And you can bet that I'm making phone calls to former employees of every place I apply to get an honest perspective on what it's like there. No way do I want to repeat this experience.
Boy, what is it with Lent and quitting jobs in our family? I guess God knows how to get our attention and remind us to trust.
I know this was the right decision, and I'm happier than I've been in a while. I'm looking forward to seeing what God has in store for my future.
Have you ever quit a job without having another one lined up? How did it feel?