Surviving Your 5-Year College Reunion in 23 Easy Steps
Tuesday, June 11, 2013Tweet
Step 1: Get a single giant stress pimple on your face three days beforehand. Think how that hasn't happened since college. Think at least people will recognize you now.
Step 2: Fly from the West Coast to the East Coast to the Midwest, because apparently that's the most efficient route.
Step 3: Reunite with your husband, who's been traveling for the past two weeks.
Step 4: Arrive on campus and immediately see someone from your freshman year dorm floor. Suddenly get excited about the whole reunion thing.
Step 5: Check into your on-campus housing. Discover that the (two twin) beds appear to each be covered with one rough sheet and a tablecloth.
Step 6: Head over to the party tent for your class, where the music is approximately 1,000 times louder than it needs to be, so every conversation will consist of yelling directly into people's ears.
Step 7: Have the same conversation twenty times in a row, quickly perfecting your responses to, "So where are you living now?" and "What do you do?"
Step 8: Find that no one seems to care that you are unemployed, and that every single person has heard good things about the place you live. Invite approximately a dozen people to come visit you.
Step 9: Have the thought "Living well is the best revenge" on discovering that life has not been kind to certain people who were not kind to you. Then feel bad for thinking that.
Step 10: Never quite master the art of gracefully exiting a conversation after the two topics of conversation (where you live now and what you do) have been exhausted. Have a lot of awkward smiles/staring and saying it was so nice to see them and that you need to go find your husband.
Step 11: Say hello and hug people you were never really friends with because what the hell.
Step 12: Go in a desperate search for water because you're sure you're about to lose your voice from all the yelling. Find more people you know over by the bar.
Step 13: Head back to the dorm after midnight. Decide between sleeping in separate twin beds, sleeping on the uneven crack between the two pushed-together beds, or sleeping in the same twin bed. Opt for the latter because it's freezing in the room and you need all the body warmth you can get.
Step 14: Wake up at 2 in the morning to a drunk alum yelling and throwing things in the hallway. Be glad you don't live in a dorm anymore. Then remember that you do live in a dorm, and thank God that your students are way better behaved than this.
Step 15: Spend the day seeing the changes around campus. Realize how old you are when you think, "These kids don't know how good they have it! Back in my day..."
Step 16: Take a 4-hour nap.
Step 17: Go to another giant tent party, this one for all classes. Do the math and realize that because reunions are for every five years, you won't know a single person except those from your class, so the only benefit to throwing everyone together is that there's more oldies music.
Step 18: Figure out that wearing a skirt was a good decision after seeing every single other woman in a sundress or skirt.
Step 19: See a dozen more people you know who weren't there the night before. Yell your standard questions over the music and have some more awkward conversational exits.
Step 20: Hug a bunch of people goodbye.
Step 21: Stay up past midnight reminiscing with two friends who are staying across the hall from you.
Step 22: Spend another cold night in the tiny, tablecloth-covered twin bed.
Step 23: Bid farewell to campus for another five years.
Have you attended a high school or college reunion? How was it?